Again
by mgsy
Summary: Juno/Starkiller.
1. Chapter 1

Note: I own nothing. This may be continued in the future.

When she was being honest, the first thing that got her was the arms. Not the eyes, although she'd find everything else there, but that physique near her, on the ship constantly with only a droid for company… she'd had thoughts from the first.

When he first changed into his lighter gear and she saw the scars she began to think harder. He was so cool, restrained that she hadn't thought too much on him, his life. She'd seen him wield his saber with inhuman efficiency and never thought of the training, assumed there would be a Force trick for such a thing. But no, there he was covered in old burn so deep her fingers could rest almost completely in the purple grooves time left him.

Maybe it was then she started really paying attention to his eyes, to all the things he'd told her by saying nothing. He was gruff with her at first and tried hard to scare her. The power in him intimidated, yes, but in spite of the number of people she saw him have to cut down she knew there was something in him that wasn't in it. In spite of his age, which must be somewhere near her own, he was very much still a boy at times, devouring information on their targets and somewhere in him delighting in his freedom out in space.

Those things could be lost and hidden in his unrelenting intensity. She had no idea how much was inclination and how much was training and repression, but he was a presence every day. She could not ignore him when she tried, when she was feeling a bit unprofessional for her thoughts. At least he couldn't seem to leave her alone either, even from the beginning. She didn't wonder long about the other pilots, but she was reasonably sure they'd all been men. He looked to her, at her, frequently, and although he spoke little of himself he asked her a great deal about her time in the Empire's military. And he trusted her, wordlessly, to do her job. He seemed to hunger for experience out in the black of space. Before going to the bar to find the General he'd been keyed up, pacing by the time they landed. Later, when he came back with Kota but still seemed deflated, she realized he must never have been to a bar before. And apparently he had hoped that maybe this stop wouldn't end in carnage.

And maybe that's when things became more serious for her. He'd let enough slip to realize he'd apparently spent most of his life on a ship with only Lord Vader and a droid for company, and something stung in her at the thought. In spite of all the darkness he tried hard to foster within himself there was some kind of innocence in his eyes. He'd look up at her through his lashes while laying out their plans, searching her face for another idea or approval. And he leaned into her touch when she was feeling brave enough to do so. The first time she was sure he'd shrug her off if not outright yell at her, but he took a deep breath and relaxed visibly. She had an idea even then that he was paying attention to it, to her hand innocently on his arm. Not touched or cuddled since Vader stole him from whoever loved him.

After the explosion, after he died she alternated between being glad she kissed him once or horrified she'd kissed him once. Because apparently she maybe could have done it before - he was tight against her almost immediately and then he jumped off the Shadow and died. A boy/man who was kissed only once in his life and he was dead, died a deeply heroic death and she hadn't found the courage to do more than kiss him once before he was gone. It wasn't fair that that was it, that was his life - little boy is taken from his father, raised tortured to be a killer, finds out everything he believed was a lie, kissed a gird and died. He only made a few decisions in his life and they all ended up being the right one, but he was dead. Dead because he was too strong. Dead maybe because there didn't seem to be another real option. "With the force at last," maybe, but who said he wanted to go?

She thinks and grieves mostly in silence for the two days it takes to get planet-side and organized. She leaves as soon as everyone's settled and goodbyes are made, pleading she was still worried about Vader being able to track the Shadow. Heads out towards the rim. When he appears behind her she screams for a full minute before he can convince her he's real. Slamming her body into his and keeping her tight there until she stopped did most of that. He pulled back as soon as he felt her accept his living, and immediately started apologizing. He had slipped in the upper hatch after everyone else made it onboard and sat trying to meditate in a crawlspace for the two days it took her to get rid of their friends, afraid Kato would sense him if he dared come out of his inexpert trance. He was less trouble if they all thought he was dead - no stray powerful Sith to think about, befriend, pacify… He said he didn't feel right using all his dark side powers anymore, that he couldn't do it even to help the Rebellion. He said he'd decided in the crawlspace that maybe he'd find a way to the Rim and see if he could try to be a JedI on his own, find some place of peace and see how he could help. And then, speech over, he released her arms, took her hands, and hung his head, waiting for an answer.


	2. Chapter 2

This is short, but the chapter ended itself. Thank you for the encouragement. More to follow.

Disclaimer: not mine

So he was back again, against all odds. In retrospect, she probably should have kissed him again when he first shut up. Instead she didn't say anything, just hugged him. Eventually she started to cry, her face pressed into the darkness of his neck.

She jolted awake to her name shouted above her head and her body ricocheting in his arms. She was on his lap in his old co-pilot's seat, arms still linked around his neck. He'd had a dream, he explained, forced himself to relax back against their chair. He killed a JedI wearing her face. She had not asked him what it was about, but her right hand ran over and over the so soft hair on the back of his head. Idly she thought of how huge his haircut made his eyes look, made them darker so that you couldn't help but look into them whenever he was in the same room. Magnetic. Too much in them, like black holes.

She yawned quietly and let her head fall back to his chest. He picked her up without a word and took her to her room, kept his eyes downcast from hers even as he set her down on her bed. As he straightened out she was half afraid he would bow to her and back out of her quarters. She grabbed his hand in a desperate swipe before he could and pulled until he lay down beside her. He curled around her back willingly enough, and she slept.

He was all seriousness again now, but there's sadness behind his eyes instead of rage. She kept silent at the helm, Marek trying to meditate somewhere behind her. Nothing had come off the walls yet. Had her shock worn off? She still couldn't speak to him. Nothing sounded right in her mind, the part that still worked. Other thoughts were gone that morning, waking up with him already awake underneath her, arms crossed behind his head and staring at the ceiling. Maybe she could have kissed him then and healed all this… nothing they were in. She hadn't changed their heading, she just stared and tried to think as her mind swirled. Maybe two days is too long to mourn someone. Maybe that kiss was for luck.


End file.
